This if from Feb 9th. I figured i would save it. Might as well, i save everything else.

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funny, the night i wanna talk she doesn't really seem to feel like it. *shrugs* thats how it goes, i think i'll be ok. sucks, because when i wanna talk, i can't. Hard to bring stuff up with her, even when she calls me on it, i lay off. I feel like such a jackass telling her all when there's nothing truly between us. When push comes to shove, we are just hella good friends, and most of hte time i feel i hold her back. I can't do it w/ bry b/c i feel guilty since she rows in the same boat is i, andy's way worse than i am, at least i desire i person, not just a feeling. But then really, is he that much worse than i am? At least something came of it, and he won't hang on like i will. i dunno, i can't stop myself from hanging on. WIsh i could at times, because i'm far from sure if anything will come of it. But i know deep down i won't let go for a long time. Nothing back home that could take her place, i could never talk to cort about anything like i can w/ her, and rebekah always shy'd away. I know there are about 2 billion other's and yet, i chase one relentlessly. I feel like such a jackass, i coulda broke my own mold, shattered all i had previously held for myself, but i think i'll forever stay how i am. No one's falt but mine, and i don't think i have a desire for change. Goddamn Medeocrity.

She fell asleep again. Sometimes i feel like thats almost the biggest complement ever, i can be in the room, and she can fall asleep like nothing. Other times, i wonder. Yeah, thats me, cult of personality, she just cashes out while i'm in the room.

Yanno, i realize i never excede my own expectations. I don't overdue anything that anyone expects. Just once i want someone to underestimate me where i can shine through, take someone by suprise, bask in my own glory for once. Goddamn, how conceded does that sound.

Lol, andy came in her room. She's asleep. I'm @ V's computer. I feel like such a jackass, but if not typed now, then never. I just hope i post this. Hell, she won't see it for a while, if ever, so does it really matter.

I dunno, i feel i just weigh her down. She strides so far ahead of everything sometimes, and here's Austin...Mediocrity at its finest. And fuck it if i don't have the drive to step outta that mold, shatter it like i know i can.


  posted by Austin @ 11:52 AM

 
Damn it, of all the times to chase after me, i wish tonight had been the one. She won't single me out, won't ask, and will probably get it from someone other than me now. damn her. Why can't her best friend come before a love interest for once.

  posted by Austin @ 11:11 PM

 
Shieki1 (3:40:49 AM): thanks austin you really are the best
EvEnFLoW x X x (3:41:01 AM): nah, i'm just Austin
Shieki1 (3:41:23 AM): and that is why i love you so much...because you are so genuine

  posted by Austin @ 1:12 AM

 
I wonder if i gave up on something i should have chased much much longer. I dunno, On the other hand, i realize that she'll probably never want something that she knows she could have. And now i'm happy, yet hollow. I'm not sure. I dunno if its something that will evolve over time, or if its something that will continue to wear on me. I dunno.

Isn't that the fucking quote for the past few months. "I DUNNO"



  posted by Austin @ 1:48 AM

 
J: Is Marc screwing with my mind?
A: I dunno, go for it. Go for it.
J: Why?
A: Because i hope u find someone that would treat you better than me.
J: Because you would treat me like the Princess...

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J: Who would you rather fuck? me or her?
A: Fuck that J, you know me better than that. its not like that, never has been. It's who would i rather walk down the street holding hands with. Who would i rather hold. Thats me. You know that. And you know the answer to that.

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J: Your gonna lose your best friend this summer.
And ice forms in my soul.

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I would treat her so much better than she could immagine, and she wants anyone but me. Tear out my heart. And now i'm weighing out the thought of losing her companionship, at least part of it, and i don't know if i can do it.

Cause you leave me higher
Than I could ever say
But my heart has been on fire
And she's gonna find out much too late
~Unnoticed~
Athenaeum

  posted by Austin @ 8:34 PM

 
"There just aren't any good guys around here."

And my heart cries aloud.

  posted by Austin @ 7:06 PM

 
2 nights ago, after laughing about joel, it comes up.

J: Who's my perfect guy?
My inner monolouge without hesitation: Austin
A: I dunno girl.
J: Who's your perfect girl?
My Inner Monolouge: You
A: good question.

She sits and talks to marc, him 500+ miles away, and she wants what she can't have. My brain turns over how things would be if she thought i didn't like her, if i was far away, if i never let her see my thoughts, if i never told her my feelings

Everytime i've been down this path, i've been so scared of treading the ice known as a relationship for fear of falling into the chill of lost friendship, but this time, i walk out on the ice without fear, but i just keep walking. Seems like it won't end. Almost wish it would shatter, and under i could plunge. Let the bitterness wash me anew.

I get up sometimes
Like somebody else
Am I just wasting time
For somebody else

Vertical Horizon






  posted by Austin @ 9:26 PM