This if from Feb 9th. I figured i would save it. Might as well, i save everything else.

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funny, the night i wanna talk she doesn't really seem to feel like it. *shrugs* thats how it goes, i think i'll be ok. sucks, because when i wanna talk, i can't. Hard to bring stuff up with her, even when she calls me on it, i lay off. I feel like such a jackass telling her all when there's nothing truly between us. When push comes to shove, we are just hella good friends, and most of hte time i feel i hold her back. I can't do it w/ bry b/c i feel guilty since she rows in the same boat is i, andy's way worse than i am, at least i desire i person, not just a feeling. But then really, is he that much worse than i am? At least something came of it, and he won't hang on like i will. i dunno, i can't stop myself from hanging on. WIsh i could at times, because i'm far from sure if anything will come of it. But i know deep down i won't let go for a long time. Nothing back home that could take her place, i could never talk to cort about anything like i can w/ her, and rebekah always shy'd away. I know there are about 2 billion other's and yet, i chase one relentlessly. I feel like such a jackass, i coulda broke my own mold, shattered all i had previously held for myself, but i think i'll forever stay how i am. No one's falt but mine, and i don't think i have a desire for change. Goddamn Medeocrity.

She fell asleep again. Sometimes i feel like thats almost the biggest complement ever, i can be in the room, and she can fall asleep like nothing. Other times, i wonder. Yeah, thats me, cult of personality, she just cashes out while i'm in the room.

Yanno, i realize i never excede my own expectations. I don't overdue anything that anyone expects. Just once i want someone to underestimate me where i can shine through, take someone by suprise, bask in my own glory for once. Goddamn, how conceded does that sound.

Lol, andy came in her room. She's asleep. I'm @ V's computer. I feel like such a jackass, but if not typed now, then never. I just hope i post this. Hell, she won't see it for a while, if ever, so does it really matter.

I dunno, i feel i just weigh her down. She strides so far ahead of everything sometimes, and here's Austin...Mediocrity at its finest. And fuck it if i don't have the drive to step outta that mold, shatter it like i know i can.


  posted by Austin @ 11:52 AM